Another Black Mark on my Permanent Record

I’m in a strange headspace these days.  There is so much going on around me, and so little going on with me.  I can usually tell things are off when I sleep through the alarm, which I’ve been doing lately.

Today, as my normal, I walked into Peet’s for my morning cup of coffee and saw to my, again totally normal, dismay the coffee of the day was the House Blend.  For those of you unfamiliar with Peet’s House Blend, let me describe it as Maxwell House meets Starbucks in dark parking lot exchanging insults.  Clearly, it is something I won’t drink.  So, as become my new norm, I ordered a press pot of one of the roasts I do like.  Today it was the Tanzania.

Sadly, however, the small press pot is 12 oz.  And by 12 oz, I mean it is about 6-8 when poured.  It is sad in its little cup, made sadder by the last oz being filled with grit.  We know the press pot, like an old cabernet, has lots of sediments we shouldn’t drink.  The first 80% was delicious, I just wanted more.

I often want more.  These days my work day is filled with small secretarial chores.  “Lee, will you order this?” “Lee, can you type this request up?”  “Lee, I created a ticket on the thing 5 minute thing I didn’t want to do, that you did last week.  Will you add notes?”  Those were the highlights of my last week.

There is plenty going on around me, but clearly I’m not being asked to participate.  Yeah, I probably did myself no favors by calling out the village idiot after a few months of him talking to me like I was a dog.  “Here boy” “Fetch!” “What a good job!”  There is more to life than peeing on the pad each time and waiting for the treat.  I might have changed the wording a tad, but the inflection and intent are unmistakable.

As an example, the parent company where I work (8k+ staff) did a survey to see how IT services can be improved.  Generally, these go by with nothing said.  This year the CIO stopped in our office (that never happens!) to give one of my coworkers and me recognition on “excellent customer service.”  This included a “Certificate of Recognition.”  I was touched, but as you might know, I really don’t want public accolades.  What I wanted less was the village idiot to comment, “Way to go on the certificate Lee!”  It was said in the same tone you’d tell Rover he was good for going outside.  I think I’d rather work with Cesar Milan.

Of course let’s compound this with 2 key facts – everyone likes to avoid confrontation and the understanding of how to manage people, projects and deadlines is largely absent.  Often, getting down in the weeds and micromanaging the details, often with incorrect information, is the substitute for superior results and achievement.  It is frustrating having insight and ideas that are not wanted.  I don’t work on areas I have unique and deep understanding of because, “I get in the way.”  I got in the way because I understood the needs of the customers and build solid relationships with them and that was perceived as being “on the other team.”  Let’s ignore that mistakes are being made daily and that misinformation and fiction are being sold as truth.

So I sit here, with my sediment laden coffee, trying to look busy and realizing how much is going on around me that I’m not doing, because I need to be “asked” to participate.    I don’t want to butt-in; I don’t want to upset the apple cart.  I let some things flounder because it is not my place to speak up.

I remember years ago in my first job the CEO describing why I felt things were going wrong.  “People need to stay in their box.”  I laughed to myself and waited till he retired.  In general business needs innovation to drive growth.  Meanwhile I am sitting in my box till 5pm when undoubtedly I’ll be asked to write an email or purchase and item and have another 10 minutes of work to do.

And then it occurs to me, as it does most days, maybe it is me.  Maybe I just wasn’t made for these times.